FATHER’S DAY (June 21) can be a particularly difficult and lonely day for those whose baby has died, however long ago. Dads with other children may also have mixed feelings and worry about how to approach the day.
Every day in the UK, 13 babies die shortly before, during or soon after birth. And there’s still much uncertainty around the numbers and rates of pregnancy loss, with evidence suggesting at least 1 in 6 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This heartbreak leaves a deep and lasting impact on the lives of parents and families.
Sands, the UK’s leading pregnancy and baby loss charity, regularly hears from dads and grandads who say that even when someone asked how their partner was coping after loss, they were overlooked or expected to be ‘the strong one’.
The charity has published advice for dads on coping with Father’s Day after baby loss, and advice for family and friends on how they can help, including tips for the lead-up to the day and ways to navigate difficult emotions.
Rowena Pailing, Sands’ Director of Bereavement Support, Community and Volunteering, said: “We understand that many people who know someone touched by pregnancy and baby loss simply can’t find the words to talk about it, or are worried about saying the wrong thing.
“And for all sorts of reasons some people find it even harder when it comes to asking the dad or partner of someone affected how they are feeling.
“Dads and partners tell us that they want to talk about how pregnancy or baby loss has affected them. It they have chosen a name for their baby; they want to be able to say that name.
“Sadly, there are persistent gender stereotypes in society that can mean people often assume dads don’t feel grief as strongly or don’t want to express or discuss how they are feeling.
“Grief is very personal and not every dad or partner will want to talk about their losses. There are many ways to process difficult emotions, such as exercise, creativity, or simply being with people who understand, but it’s so important not to make assumptions based on someone’s gender or relationship to the baby who died.
”This Father’s Day we want every dad, partner and grandad who has been touched by pregnancy or baby loss to know they are not alone, that there is a Sands community that cares, and that everyone can help break the silence and isolation that exists around bereavement and grief.”
Top tips for bereaved dads:
- Remember the build-up may feel more difficult than the day itself. Think about who you can turn to for support. If you’re working, consider letting your employer know if you are finding this week hard and whether you need to take some time off.
- Do what feels right for you – if you need to stay off social media or cancel plans around this time, that’s ok. It’s important that you look after yourself and take the time you need.
- Think about what you could do – on your own or with others – to make Father’s Day special for you. Visiting a special place, looking at photos if you have them, and simply having quiet time in nature can be good ways to make space for yourself.
- Many dads and partners are finding other practical ways to cope with their grief. These include our Sands United football teams where bereaved men can connect with each other. Find out more about setting up a new Sands United football club or joining an existing local club.
Family, friends, and work colleagues may also feel unsure how to handle the approach to Father’s Day with bereaved parents. Sands has tips about things everyone can do to show they care.
Top tips for friends and family:
- Talk about their baby and if you know their baby’s name, make sure you use it when speaking with them. Let them know that you’re available to talk or share memories.
- If you want to, you could give a thoughtful gift such as the Sands Wellbeing Journal or Sands Wellbeing Box, a special Always a Dad token, or write a card that they can read when they’re ready. Check out the items available on the Sands Shop.
- Send them a message – let them know you are thinking of them and their baby in the lead up to and / or on the day. A simple gesture like that can help them to feel less alone.
- Just being aware and making it ok to talk about their baby will be valued. Don’t be afraid to laugh or use humour – you’ll know if it isn’t appropriate, but it can break tension and allow someone to open up.
The charity is also inviting everyone to show a bereaved dad that they are in their thoughts by sending a special gift token and greetings card in return for a small donation.
Andy’s daughter Ellie had Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, (her organs were in the wrong places), and she also had Spina bifida, so Andy and his wife made the difficult decision to have a Termination for medical reasons.
Andy, who lives in Glasgow, said: “Ellie was put to sleep before being stillborn at 31 weeks on 24th November 2018. My wife and I chose to take the pain away for Ellie as if she was born awake, she would have been in pain and wouldn’t have survived long.
“Afterwards, it would have been nice if folk asked me how I was more often. Some did but some just asked, “how’s the wife coping?”.
“Some people didn’t want to mention Ellie at all as it broke me, but I needed to release my emotions at times. Even now, I often still cry and grieve my Ellie. She’ll always be the missing part of my jigsaw.
“Guys are meant to be tough, the strong one, alpha and women get more attention as it’s their body, but dads need people around them too. Losing a baby really affects your mental health and some days you do feel alone.”
Rahul’s wife Vaishali learned she had womb cancer while they were trying for a baby and after successful treatment she went through an 18-month IVF journey to conceive. Their daughter Jaya was born at 22 weeks in 2019 and lived for 14 minutes.
Rahul, who lives in Preston, Lancashire, said: “There were times when I wished the people closest to me had asked how I was doing rather than assuming I was ok.
“People who knew either assumed I didn’t want to talk about it or thought that not bringing it up would somehow help.
“What would have been most helpful was having my family provide genuine emotional support. I didn’t know I wanted to talk about the loss of my daughter. It felt like a forbidden topic, but I simply didn’t know how to open up the conversation myself.
“There’s an assumption that dads don’t want to talk about these things. That might be true for some, but men have feelings too.
“Having someone ask me, or simply being willing to sit and listen, would have given me the opening I needed to process everything, instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.”
Kyle’s partner Rachelle was examined in hospital, and a registrar delivered the news the couple feared. Rachelle was in labour and their baby daughter Bluebell had no chance of survival even if she was born with a heartbeat. Kyle explained that after Bluebell was born and “gained her wings”, Rachelle had a postpartum haemorrhage, which he witnessed. No-one checked in with him afterwards.
Kyle, who lives in Bridgend, Wales, said: “Father’s Day is usually one of my most difficult days. It has always gone unacknowledged how difficult the day is for me, like it doesn’t matter.
“Bluebell’s birthday and Christmas time can be difficult to navigate also, again with little to no acknowledgment from others that those days can be a struggle.
“I think because fathers don’t go through the physical side of baby loss there’s a thought that it doesn’t feel like it’s your loss and your grief. I remember people frequently asking me how Rachelle was doing, without them even thinking they should ask me too.
“There’s nothing anyone can do or say to fix anything, but a simple acknowledgment would be so appreciated by me, and to many other dads in my situation too.”
Kris and his partner heard the worst news imaginable with less than two months to go before their daughter Eva was born, when they were told, “sorry there’s no heartbeat”.
Kris, who lives in Glasgow, said: “Immediately after being told the news, I’ll never forget one of the nurses turned to me and asked if I was ok?
“After Eva was delivered, I met her on my own as my partner recovered and this is where it got me the most – standing in a room looking at this little perfect angel.
“After a couple of minutes, I felt overwhelmed and had to go out for fresh air. At this time, I needed someone to ask if I was ok again, but they didn’t.”
Rhys’ son Cooper had a chromosome abnormality and died when he was eight months old in August 2015 after he caught norovirus and chicken pox and his immune system couldn’t fight both.
Rhys, who lives in Cardiff, said: “In the days after Cooper died, I can’t really remember much. I would lock myself away and not talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be around people.
“Our house would be full of people, all there to see us, but I would sit in a room staring at a screen.
“It doesn’t make sense to assume that one person or parent is stronger or more able to cope in that kind of situation. You made that baby together and lost that baby together. How could it possibly be any easier for either of you. Forget gender or title.
“I co-founded Sands United Cardiff in 2019 with a couple of other local men. The team gives dads that chance to talk as much or as little as they like.
“They come, have a laugh, play football and spend that day thinking about their babies and doing something for them. There’s no obligation or pressure to talk, but dads know the team is a forum to talk should they decide that’s what they want or need.”
Sands is here to support everyone for as long as they need. Whether you’re a dad or partner, uncle, grandparent, friend or colleague, there is information and support available in many different ways.
Alongside our general support options, we also have a dedicated men’s support group on Facebook and monthly online support meetings specifically for bereaved dads.
Sands is extending the opening hours of the Freephone Helpline for Father’s Day so that anyone, but especially dads or partners touched by pregnancy or baby loss, can reach out:
- Sunday, June 21 (Father’s Day) – 10:00 am to 12:00 pm.
The confidential helpline provides a safe place for anyone touched by pregnancy loss or by the death of a baby to talk. Sands’ experienced Bereavement Support team is there to listen and signpost to further help.
The Sands Freephone Helpline number is: 0808 164 3332. You can also get in touch by email [email protected] or join the online community.
